untitled 1
by Nan Ma
Summary: Ling Tong thinks about Gan Ning. After death, he is riddled with regret but is full of unhealthy habits, such as blame.


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I love you. I love you. I hate you so much.

Yes. I hate you. The one day you came back to me you went and died right there, right in front of me, as I held you, just when I was about to tell you.

I never thought you could die. The thought never occurred me, that you were a mortal grown out of flesh and blood, that you might not always be there, just inches away, grinning. I never even considered a world without you just hovering in front of me with that big dumb smile on your face. Until I met you all I wanted was for you to die. That was all I ever thought of. But I never actually thought about it, that if you died, you would be gone. And even now, I never thought you would ever not be here. I never even thought that you could be gone. That's why I keep seeing you everywhere. I can't stand the color red anymore. Every time I see it, I run after it calling your name, calling for you to stop running away and turn around to face me so I can tell you something. I see your face everywhere, in folds of fabric, in patterns of leaves, in shadows of rocks. I can't stop seeing your face behind me in the mirror, but when I turn around there's no one. A feather landed on my shoulder, and I turned around, yelling, screaming after you, but you weren't there. I want to see you so much I keep looking for you, and when I see you it's not you and I have to keep on looking.

Why did you always have that stupid smile? It always made me want to punch you. I would say something, and you would have that stupid, dumb grin and snort, hah-hah-hah, and it would just make me angrier, which made me say something else back, and you would just go hah-hah-hah with that stupid, stupid grin until I wanted to slap you senseless. Hah-hah-hah. Even now I hear it. Every time anything sounds three times in that rhythm I hear you laughing. The bell tolls the third watch and I hear hah-hah-hah. I take three steps and I hear hah-hah-hah. The swish of a sash, and hah-hah-hah, I turn around, and nothing's there except for me thinking of your stupid annoying hah-hah-hah. And then I want to hear it again, I want to hear it again so bad that I say it aloud, Hah-Hah-Hah, just so that I can pretend to think that I heard you laughing again, and when I couldn't, I kept trying to laugh, hoping that I would hear you laughing along.

And your big fat ego. You always thought you were the center of the world. Everything was according to you. You never even thought about how I felt? You thought you could kill my father and just because it didn't mean anything to you it wouldn't mean anything to me? And you just waltzed onto my side like nothing happened just because you didn't care? You just sauntered in and became the center of my world just because you were the center of yours. You were the center of my world, and if that's not having an ego I don't know what is. I spent how long standing next to you, never touching you, never saying anything, because if you happened to not feel the same way you wouldn't have cared, would you? You're a big jerk. It was your fault I fell in love with you, that you I never told you, barely gave any indication, never gave you any hint of it. You're so self-centered that you didn't care that you didn't know that I was in love with you. Just because you didn't know I love you doesn't mean that you can't not know.

I can feel you everywhere. Sometimes I turn around to tell you to step out from behind the door, to stop hanging around out of my sight. In the afternoons I snap for you to knock before coming in. I call out at night, before the candles burn out, to stop messing with my pillows. When I bath, I yell for you to quit hogging the soap. I save a place for you at meetings because I know you're somewhere on the other side of the room being an idiot, just hidden by the crowd. But when I turn around you're not there.

We could have had so much together. We could have been so much more. We could have had each other. We could have spent our days together, under the sun, as the seasons flowed by. We could have spent our evenings together, watching the sunset over the stilts of houses on the river. We could have spent our nights together, in each other's arms, touching faces and drifting off to sleep. We could have held hands and kissed. We could have kissed our letters to each other before sending them. We could have known, you could have known I love you. I could have told you I love you. I could have showed you I love you. It's your fault we didn't.

It's not my fault I never told you. It's all your fault, everything. It's your fault I never told you and I'll never get a chance to now. It's your fault I can't stop thinking that if I had just told you, if I had just ever told you, you would have known.

I was going to tell you I loved, love, you, and you just went and died, just in front of me, right when I was going to say it. You're so stupid. I hate you. I hate you so much. I love you.

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Love you. Love you. I love you. Please come back?


End file.
